Who would have thought it; I was reduced to finding a partner on the Internet? I had read about these dating web sites and though dubious I found one, completed my details and waited. A few days went by and I heard nothing. I waited a few weeks and still I heard nothing. I turned to an old girlfriend for advice. I'd known Julia since school and though close our relationship was plutonic and I loved her like a sister. She was quick to help and offered to come round and have a look at my profile.
A few days later, beer in hand, she was sitting next to me on my sofa, laptop on her knee. She wasn't impressed. She felt my profile was all-wrong, it didn't paint a true picture of my personality and my photo didn't do me justice. All in all she wasn't surprised I'd had no one enquiring about me.
First we had a long conversation about my ideal woman. I told her in nauseous detail; tall, slim, hourglass figure, long blonde straight hair, blue eyes and a warm smile. She was disappointed that I hadn't mentioned her character.
'You know,' I said, 'someone like you but feminine.' Not surprisingly this agitated her, as Julia was short, over weight, with black curly hair and dark brown eyes with a mannish appearance.
'You don't deserve someone like me, you're shallow, fickle and too fucking picky for your own good.' she screamed. You're despicable.'
I shrugged my shoulders. She was probably right but I couldn't help it.
I trusted her implicitly and let her have free reign. I gave her my password and she merrily changed my profile while I popped out and got some more beer from the local off-licence.
On my return she proudly showed me what she had done. I wasn't very pleased and needed another beer. I no longer sounded like a man. She made me sound effeminate, weak and submissive. She had changed my profile name from 'Leaping Tiger' to 'Pretty Petal,' said I enjoyed dancing, playing the flute and digital photography. I was a follower of fashion and I loved long walks in the country, the theatre, cooking and entertaining. Only the digital photography bit was true. I sounded like a complete wet sissy.
