How To Spot A Shemale

Transsexual celebrities?

Ever since transsexual Caroline Cossey, better known as Tula, appeared as one of the long-legged "ladies" (or, in her case, ladyboys) who languished at the side of a swimming pool in the 1980 James Bond flick For Your Eyes Only, rumors are rampant in Hollywood and elsewhere that several other supposedly female celebrities are really transwomen, or male-to-female transsexuals, so don't get anything more from them than their autographs. Alleged transsexual actresses include Alyson Hannigan (no breasts), Ann Coulter (huge Adam's apple, hands, and feet), Britney Spears (skull structure like Mike Tyson's), Camilla Parker-Bowles (definitely a man in drag), Grace Jones (to see "her" is to know "she's" no woman), Jamie Lee Curtis (Hollywood's first transsexual), Jennifer Garner (facial bone structure like that of Hulk Hogan's), Jessica Simpson (the Caucasian Mr. T), Katherine Harris (more than chads were hanging in "her" voting district), Mariah Carey (her physique is masculine, except for the breast implants, and in high school, they called "her" "Buddy"), Paris Hilton (even all her money couldn't buy "her" decent sex-change surgery), Rosie O'Donnell (the face that launched a 1,000 gags), Sandra Bullock (an Adam's apple like the primeval patriarch's), and Sarah Michelle Gellar ("she's" a peroxide-blonde version of "her" hubby).

What to do if you spot a transsexual

If you do spot a transsexual, there are several actions you can take. In the order of their preference:

Run for your life!

The best and most appropriate action is to run without stopping until you reach the relative safety of a police station, a military base, or a sorority house (but make sure it's full of real women). Transsexuals fear cops, soldiers, and genetic females, so these places are generally safe. On the other hand, you want to make sure you avoid such locations as women's restrooms, beauty salons, and, especially, ladies' clothing stores.