I sat there thinking, turning my glass between my hands, not listening to what was happening around me. Why did it happen? Once again I had had a quarrel with my wife. This time it was too much. I knew I shouldn't have raised my voice and yes I should have been calmer and maybe even docile to her. I mean it was she who accepted me the way I was, nobody else had done this before. It even destroyed a longtime relation with a woman I really loved. You see, I cross-dressed since childhood, but looking at me nobody would ever think that way. I even sported a beard because my shyness was so big that I thought I never would live it down if somebody found out about the real me.
Now I sat here in this little bar thinking about my life, thinking about moving on, thinking about leaving my wife and dressing full time like I had done in private so many years. See, the quarrel was about my desire to go out for the first time in my life as the woman I felt I was. She had denied it to me. She had said I couldn't do it. What if somebody saw me who knew me, who knew her. It would damage us because through her job she was exposed to the public.
I knew she was right of course, but here I sat fuming. For the first time in my life I had gathered all my mental strength and wanted to express myself. Finally I wanted to show the world I wasn't a middle aged man but really a girl since all my life!
Didn't I deserve a little bit consideration from her side? No, she was strict. Ha, if she had been strict when I asked her right after we married to feminise me, to make me her wife. Oh yes, I used to be her wife, kind of, during the first two years of our marriage. She went to work and I stayed at home. She even helped me to buy dresses, skirts, lingerie or high heels but there she drew the line. Never got to buy a wig, she never allowed me to put makeup. Can you believe it? I always looked like a man in drag. I was never allowed to be the girl I so much wanted to be.
I ordered another drink, people chatting around me but I was still lost in thoughts.
