Ken and Ayala Part 3 Cleansing

"I was disgusted with her, but I was more disgusted with myself for letting myself fall in love with her. Letting my guard down. And then, people telling me to just get over it, that it didn't matter. But it did matter and no one understood. I just . . ."

Ayala looked at me, inquisitively, wondering what I was going to say next but knowing that it had to do with her.

"It's just that, you make me feel so warm, comfortable, make me feel like I need to be with you, protect you and let you care for me. But I'm so afraid to do so. I'm so afraid, Ayala. It hurts to open up to you, after my ex-girlfriend messed with my head and broke down my humanity. But, on top of that, you come from a different family and background, I don't even know if your family would accept me or if mine would even care to talk to me about it. And finally, because, even though it feels so good and so right, you're . . . different . . . from other women . . . and I'm just not sure if that's okay yet . . .

"I know, I know, I need to be stronger, I need to just get over it and let myself open up to you, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. But I'm scared, babe. Too many bad things have happened to me, and I've seen too many bad things happen to people like us. I'm not so sure I'm supposed to feel the way I do about you . . . whether because you're not my ethnicity or religion or culture or because you're not a genetic girl. I'm not sure I'm supposed to feel as hot and as caring towards you as you have been making me ever since I saw you . . . even though it's like an instinct to feel sexy with you, it's like second nature to want to hold you and protect you." I couldn't believe I had just told her all that, and felt ashamed to have crumbled so visibly in front of her, in her arms.

Ayala laid my head against the wall of the tub, my cheek resting on her upper arm, as she looked straight into my eyes. She didn't look angry for me telling her that I wondered if we were right. She didn't look sad or scared about what my dirty past might do to our newfound connection, or burgeoning relationship. No – she looked confident, and strong, and sure, which is what I needed from her in that very instant, that very second, to get my own footing back.