Dimensional Portals Suck Ass

Marley was dead: to begin with. Hold it… no, no that’s not right. My mind is wandering. What was I gonna write about? MATT! Yeah, Matt was a bastard. And I mean it in the sense that he sucked monkey balls. That’s an expression I like, sucked monkey balls. Anybody ever played blowsy Checkers? That’s where if you have a jump and you don’t take it the Checker that missed his kill dies.

THAT GAME SUCKS MONKEY BALLS.

What the Hell was I talking about? Monkeys, Checkers… oh, Matt, anyway he’s a real bastard, such a bastard that he refused to admit the glory of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I KNOW! Crazy, but true. He even said Jackson “butchered the epic” SERIOUSLY!

So ounce upon a time our random scrub was pulling out of a parking lot (he was in Sears, killing time by wondering around smelling perfumes and starring at the half naked women on the posters) when a deranged UPS delivery man came flying around a nearby corner at 80 miles an hour (no doubt trying to keep on schedule).

When the truck impacted Matt’s car, two books in the back were hurled against each other, these two books being Tolkien’s “The Fellowship of the Ring” and Robert A. Heinlein’s “Starship Troopers”. Apparently the men that loaded the truck did not realize that they had placed the second most holy book in creation next to the foulest piece of shit ever written (except of course Sense and Sensibility, which was not written so much as forged in a fiery chasm of boredom and wickedness).

On a more somber note, the mailman broke his right middle finger, and would never be able to flip the bird with that hand again.

So anyway, naturally when these books touched the forces which hold existence together caved in on each other and a rift in the space-time continuum was opened, which sucked Matt into another dimension, unfortunately, Matt just missed landing in Bill Gate’s garage when Bill was looking for money to fund Microsoft, instead Matt was cast into a strange new world. Matt found himself lying on his back in a jungle. When Matt stood up and looked around he quickly realized that he had been tossed through dimensions.