A Shell of A Man

Yet on a cold night in January, my phone rang.

"Sweetie?" It was Babs

"y,y,yes. Babs! Oh! Hello, my how are you? I'm fine, how are y,y,you?" gosh I was pathetic.

I could hear her chuckling on the other end, "I'm fine honeybunch, just fine. Thank you for asking.... Look, I have a free night tomorrow, I just wanted to invite you over for dinner."

I couldn't believe it. Was this really happening? Was the woman of my dreams asking me out? To her place??? I could not believe it. It sounded too good to be true. "Dinner? Tomorrow night? With me?" I asked.

"You like Italian?" she asked.

"Yes, yes I do."

"Great, come around eight. Okay sweetie?"

"erh, yeah sure I'll be there mamasita" oh boy! Did I just say mamasita? She laughed on the other end before hanging up.

To say that I was walking on air after that phone call would be an understatement. This gorgeous creature was asking me out. How wonderful. My fantasy mind went into overdrive.

The next day I called in sick to work. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I spent the whole day preparing for my date with Babs. I bathed for hours, I shaved, I wore my best shirt, I bought her a bunch of wild orchids... this was going to be 'my' night. Finally I was going to be 'the other guy'. The guy I always envied. The guy I was always jealous of.

At eight o'clock I stood at her door, rehearsing what I was going to say, 'Hello my dear, you look enchanting tonight. I'm in awe of you'. I wanted to be charming, I wanted to be classy. I wanted to impress her.

But when she opened the door, I turned into that blubbering, sputtering idiot. She was looking better than ever. She was wearing an alluring ensemble with a plunging neckline, short black skirt, seamed stockings with stiletto heels. "Hi, erh Babs. You look, erh.... I'm a lovely lady." I didn't know what I was saying, it just came out. It didn't even compute at first.